


Hard Not To Cry

by samithemunchkin



Category: The Baseballs
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-13
Updated: 2011-07-13
Packaged: 2017-11-04 04:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/389901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samithemunchkin/pseuds/samithemunchkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The bad day when Digger can't take it anymore but everything turns out fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hard Not To Cry

**Author's Note:**

> I started this weeks ago after seeing the infamous video where Digger is close to tears. I just want to get this out of my hands, I know there must be zillion mistakes and stuff, I got distracted way too many times but pfff. It's not going to get any better if I keep going over it again and again. Angst ahoy! Also, pretend the lyrics are unfinished version of Hard Not To Cry, 'kay? Also also, fluff and smut to follow I promise.

  
People always expect you to be something. Take me for example, everyone expects me to be happy and playful and bouncy, always in a good mood, always ready to have fun. People always expect me to be Digger. Digger never has a bad day, Digger never stops laughing and smiling. Digger never gets sad. And he never, ever cries.

That’s what people expect.

But people forget I’m not just Digger. They forget I have a real name, I’m Rüdiger Brans and I do have other feelings, I do have problems. I do get sad.

And sometimes I even cry. And oh god do I have problems...

But no one seems to see me as Rüdiger anymore, I’m just Digger. And sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the expectations.

I’ve been trying so hard to hide my feelings for so long.

That day was bad from the start, I had barely slept, though I hadn’t really slept well in weeks, my hair didn’t cooperate, I was late, I had a fight with an old…”friend”. By the time we had to go to that interview I was both mentally and physically exhausted. I was stupid and let my guard down and as soon as Sam sat next to me my eyes started stinging.

All I wanted was to turn around and melt into his arms. But I couldn’t. I never could because he’s my friend, he’s my band mate and no one would approve, most definitely not him.

I wanted to just run away but of course I couldn’t, that would have been suspicious and unprofessional and rude and that’s not what Digger does either. So I had no choice but to sit there and suck it up. I barely spoke the entire time.

I tried keeping my mind busy, staring at the walls and random objects, I tried to smile when it was expected, mumbled something resembling a reply so that I wouldn’t be completely silent. It worked pretty well to a certain point. But then I felt a gentle hand on my thigh and I almost lost it then and there.

Trust Sam to notice when something’s wrong.

My eyes started stinging again and I lost the battle with my lower lip momentarily when I tried to blink the tears away as discreetly as possible. I was so close to my breaking point that I almost just wanted to give up. But somehow I managed to get a hold of myself.

But when the interview was finally over I didn’t even think, I just bolted up and practically ran out of the room without a word and I locked myself in the first restroom I came across and I let go.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that before in my entire life.

I was crying so hard that I didn’t even hear the knocking on the door at first and when I did and I heard Sam’s voice calling me I let the most pathetic half whimper half laugh known to man. I managed to calm myself down enough to shout that I’m fine, that my stomach was just a little upset.

But of course Sam didn’t buy it. That man is impossible to fool.

I had no choice but to let the man I had suddenly fallen completely head over heels in love with in and let him see what a mess I’d become.

I wonder what went through Sam’s head when I opened the door. My eyes were red and swollen, my cheeks flushed and wet from tears, my hair was a mess, I had grabbed and tugged at it and ran my fingers through it so many times unconsciously that it wouldn’t have passed as a quiff in any standards.

And he just stood there silent, with an unreadable expression on his face. I had no strength left in me and I just burst right back into tears, leaving the door open as I turned around but I didn’t get far before strong arms wrapped around me from behind and I found myself where I’d wanted to be for so long.

In Sam’s warm embrace.

At that point I didn’t care if it was just a one time only thing, I clung to him, I buried my face in the crook of his neck and I cried.

Sam didn’t say a word, he just held me against him and I could have sworn he was stroking my back but that could have been just my imagination too.

I did run out of tears eventually and soon after that even my sobs died down to occational sniffles. But Sam didn’t pull away. He kept holding me and I had no intentions of pulling away either until I absolutely had to. He was so warm and comfortable and...safe. I wished I could have stayed there forever.

But on the other hand, I didn’t really mind it when Sam suddenly cupped my face, even if it did feel more than a little awkward looking up at him straight in the eyes. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, breaking down like that. I saw so many things in those beautiful baby blue eyes, I knew I owed Sam an explanation, even if he still hadn’t said a word.

I knew I couldn’t even begin to explain, my mind was a whirlwind of thoughts, even I didn’t know what was going on inside my head. But I had something I had made some time ago, something that explained everything but what I’d been too afraid to show to anyone.

I slowly lifted my hand to take it out of the back pocket of my jeans and handed it to Sam, quickly averting my eyes and stepping back when he unfolded the piece of paper, I was too nervous and scared to watch him read it.

Everything I felt were in those lyrics. My heart was in those lyrics. And now it was literally in Sam’s hands.  
He took his time reading, he must have double, if not triple read it. My nerves were so on the edge I was ready to bolt right out of the room no matter how Sam would react but he was faster and before I even realised it he was kissing me. Sweetly, gently brushing his lips against mine as his hands grabbed my waist and slowly travelled up to my neck and in my hair.

I shivered.

I could feel it all, I felt and tasted his lips as he kissed me, I felt his warmth and his well toned body as he hold me close, I smelled him, his pomade and hairspray and aftershave and him, I felt his hands and fingers, gently and shyly caressing and stroking.

And I could only just stand there, completely frozen in shock. Until I just snapped.

I still can’t tell what came over me, I just snapped. I grabbed his face and I kissed him. Hard. Desperately. In the back of my mind I was expecting Sam to shove me away and say this was all a misunderstanding and that I should fuck off. But he didn’t. Instead, he let me back him up against a wall and if anything he pulled me closer.

Kissing Sam was like a drug and I was instantly hooked.

We kissed for what felt like hours and when we did pull apart for air all I wanted was to claim those lips again. But Sam cupped my face with both hands, preventing me from doing so. Then he did something I will never forget, he leaned close, still holding my face and kissed my forehead, then my cheeks before he whispered those three magical words right next to my ear.

And I cried again and completely melted in his arms, overjoyed with happiness. I didn’t have to lie anymore and I had all I wanted and needed. I couldn’t have been happier.


End file.
